for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
