I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
