he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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