I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
