Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
