your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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