I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I want a musical about memes.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
