I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
