dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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