This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
