The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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