mondays should just be called national damage control day
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
