i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
