You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
