i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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