I wish you could order shots online.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
