She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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