I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
