Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
