I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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