Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
