I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
