sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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