Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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