remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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