When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
