I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
