my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
