Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
