Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please come you make the beer taste better
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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