Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
