I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
