My liver just broke up with me...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
