What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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