Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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