the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
