Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
