your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
