3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish I only lived at night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The air was thick with penises
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
