Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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