Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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