I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just threw up on my dentist
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
