So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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