I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
