They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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