there's paper in my vomit.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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