Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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