If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
