People in love make me want to vomit
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
