I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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