I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
