i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
