Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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