I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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