I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize