I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
