I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
