note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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