I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
