Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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