My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
