The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
