I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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