Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Is it penis luge time yet?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
