I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
