I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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