drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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