Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
