I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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