I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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