Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
