Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
